Truth be told…

Good morning, y’all. Today’s post is going to be short on text, but long with a video.


So there you have it. I wasn’t even sure whether or not I’d have enough courage to go ahead and upload this video; however I felt as if I needed to be honest with all of you. Not only did that feel good, but it also gave me a sense of confidence and strength in my own self. I also wanted to tell my husband Thank You. Last night he made such a huge point. He told me, that I need to continue looking at the positives, and feel blessed that I’m still able to have children. && you know what, he’s exactly right. There are so many women out there who just… can’t. So, as I’m sitting here being sad at my own problems, I do need to look at the bigger picture. It’s just when you want something so bad, and you can’t have it, it does take a toll on you from time to time. I do know one thing though, I will, heck I NEED to keep my head up high & be happy with the life I’m given at the moment. God has a plan for all of us, and that is something I do need to remind myself ❤

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98 thoughts on “Truth be told…

  1. Hey Girl. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to publish this video. I am SO proud of you that you did. You realized that you need to get this off your chest and you DID!!! I can SO relate on being annoyed by all these questions ( I am 34 and do not have a child, so imagine how people react around here ) – and I know that we start to feel pressured and guilty – but STOP feeling like that. This is a story between you and Joshua and ONLY you. Never feel that you have to explain yourself, it’s NOT their business. It sounds stupid, but life often doesn’t act the way we plan it. But you know what? You can be so proud of you on how you coped with all that so far and all the effort you put in. I don’t know if I could and I look up to you for being so strong! I believe in you and I believe that you will have a beautiful family – I pray for you!!! Love you!!

  2. Oh, sweetie I can totally see why that would upset you and get you down. Sometimes we need to let it all out and have a good cry.

    People think they’re being nice by asking these things but they don’t know you and know the whole story. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Me and Janes get asked when we’re going to get married all the time. It’s not that we don’t want to but we can’t afford it as I’m just finishing my studies.

    Regarding your comment on my blog, I live in the North of England currently. But I’d be so happy to come meet you in London.

    Drop me an email to theroadtolesscake@hotmail.co.uk and we can have a chat.

  3. Jessie bear! I feel your sadness yet I can tell by the look in your eyes that you still see that there’s so much hope inside of you – that you haven’t given up – that you’ll still keep on fighting! This video was obviously the perfect outlet for you to be able to get so much of what you are feeling off your chest – and I’m so happy you went through with it. Even if your faith feels as if it’s beyond your grasp right now, just try to remind yourself of how far you’ve come so far. No shame in posting this either because you have this way of reaching out to others who will, in turn, continue to remind you of your worth, just like your husband did.

    Life can surely be harsh sometmes, but the best way to deal with those troubled times is to count your blessings. Continue to find things to be thankful for, just like you always do. Gratitude can help you find peace in chaos and relief from pain and it can also help spark the light that leads you out of the tunnel.

    Continue to love your journey. Continue to be grateful for the life you have because it has made you the person that you are today. Continue to love your life because of how incredible you are and not despite of the pain.

    No matter what happens today, just find the time to say ‘Thank you!’ It works so much better than asking “Why me?”

    • Maria! I’ve missed you!! How have you been hunnie? Thank you for this comment. One thing that I think I forgot was that I need to continue to count my blessings. I mean I do realize how blessed I am for the life I live, but I guess I just let it slip my mind & think negative thoughts. That may be one thing I need to continue to work on. Thank you for that little reminder love <3.

  4. With every pregnancy announcement on facebook and through e-mails, a part of me just wants to punch someone in the face. My miscarriage still haunts me and maybe it always will? Truth me told, I’m terrified to get pregnant again because the thought of going through what I did all over again… I just… can’t. Won’t. Not yet.

    • I never knew you had a miscarriage Michelle. If you EVER want to talk about it, please do not hesitate to email me “jessiejoshua21@yahoo.com”. I would love to be there for you just like you have for me ❤

  5. Hey Jessie–Just watched your vlog. Hang in there. You are doing a fabulous job of taking better care of yourself, and just like you said, it’s a work in progress. You WILL get there (what an AMAZING husband you have to point that out and be so supportive!), and there may be days like you experienced yesterday, but that’s all part of the process. Having this blog as an outlet may be just what you need to get things off your chest, seek some positive vibes and find a grounding place. Keep truckin’! Have a great day!!

    • Thank you, Michelle. && when you wrote about my blog being the outlet I need.. you are so right. The support I’ve received from you & all the other fabulous ladies out there has really helped me & just made me realize that things do happen for a reason, and things will fall into place when the time is ready ❤

  6. awww girl! head up! I think your husband said it perfectly! when the time is right you will have a bunch of kids! (: I know its tough to wait patiently! It will be here before you know it though! (: I’m a firm believer of you are only hit with obstacles you can overcome! Sometimes it might just take some time to realize it and get over the hill but I know you will be there one day! (:

  7. Oh honey, you’re so brave to share this, and I love you for that! There will definitely be hard days, just like you said you had yesterday, but it’s easy to see that your head is ultimately in the right place–it’s going to happen for you, and that in itself is a blessing since so many women don’t have the option to reach that point in the future…think baby steps–literally 🙂 little changes and little steps will get you one day closer to that baby…I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have to answer to those people who ask, or even to hear their questions, but just remember that they don’t know any better either unfortunately…Thank goodness for the husband you have though–he sounds amazing!

  8. AWE I’m really glad you are vlogging, it’s so good to be “chatting” if that makes sense. I cannot even imagine with so many people asking about pregnancy. I’m not sure that I’ll EVER have my own children. Anyways, I feel like people ask and question but they don’t realize the whole story and asking you when they don’t know the full story or that it isn’t easy. My keeping you in my thoughts girly.

  9. First of all girl…you are sooo freakin cute I can’t even stand it! Second, you are so brave to put that video up and I give you all the credit in the world for being so open and honest with everyone! I know how much it means to you to start a family and I can only imagine how emotionally draining all those questions are from people are! But Joshua is right, as hard as it may be, try to focus on the positives. You have taken soooo many huge steps in the right direction and you will continue to do that! It will happen when the time is right. God has a plan for us all. We may not understand it in the moment, but we eventually see why things happen the way that they do!

    By the way, this video shows EXACTLY why you are a great example of healthy and fit! Even just those fews words about how running has taken it’s toll on you could really make an impact on someone and help change their habits too!

    You know I am always thinking about you and always here if you need to just scream! You can email me anything! Even if it’s just one big word of something bad!! And if you ever need to actually talk on the phone, let me know. I would be more than happy to call! That’s what international calling cards are for 😉 xxoo

    • Sarah, can I just tell you that this comment made me tear up (in a good way of course). I know I’ve told you this time after time, but our friendship we’ve formed over the past few months means the world to me. You have been such an amazing supporter & inspiration in my every day life. The fact that you’ve taken your time to write e-mails, send nutrition plans, and let me know that you’ll run out & buy an international card to talk on the phone.. is so sweet & wonderful. Counting down the days until March!!! xoxo

  10. I don’t have any wonderful advice to give you, and I really wish I did. All I can say is hang in there and believe in yourself. Time will tell, and just keep pushing forward. You WILL get there. ❤

  11. Hey girly, I just watched the VLOG and my heart is melting. You are entitled to be happy and healthy- whatever that means to you, it’s different for us all- and others should respect that and provide you with the privacy that you deserve. I understand that they are trying to “help” or are curious, but it obviously isn’t the help that you need at this time and you have the right to share that with them. You and Joshua share so much love, it’s apparent, and without a doubt in my mind know that you two will be blessed in so many ways in the future. As hard as it is in the moment of it all, try to keep looking forward and pushing through. No one knows the true story but you. XO

    • Gosh Allison, this comment was exactly what I needed to hear… and because of that, THANK YOU!! I truly do feel so blessed to have “met” you through here & cannot wait for March to be here!! xoxo

  12. Aww sending huge hugs and positive thoughts your way! Stay strong girl. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel this sad and hold it all in! You are such a strong beautiful women and the choices you make in your life are yours and yours alone to make. I’m so happy you have such a loving husband with you to lean on when things get rough! Always reach out to us too. You have all the support in the world. Big hugs 🙂

  13. Thank you for posting this! I know it’s so, so hard. I think the videos actually help you collect your thoughts. HA is not fun. I think there’s actually a chance I might have it too (it’s been many years since I’ve had a period except a few months when I went on the pill…TMI?) although I haven’t been diagnosed with it and it is scary to think about. I’m not at the point where I’m thinking of having kids, obviously, since I’m still in college, but I can see why it’s really scary. I know when I’m older I’ll be in the same place as you are unless I get healthy too.
    As long as you’re really working to recover, then you WILL get there! I know you will! You are so incredibly positive and inspirational. Don’t let comments get you down, even if they’re not meant to be rude or hurtful! Keep working at it and you’ll be back to running again (except this time, chasing after a baby) before you know it! If you need anything, feel free to vent to me in an email. Your email was really touching for me, xoxo

    • Sarah, I know you may not be at a point where you want to have children, but I would honestly go see a doctor & see what you can do about it. Hormones aren’t something to play around with, and I would just hate to see it affect you more and more & then when that day comes when you are ready, it could take years! Please Please Please get checked out hunnie. If there is anything I want others to know about HA, is that it’s not something to mess around with <3.

      I hope you got my e-mail. I always say that because my internet goes out constantly & I never really know if my e-mails truly are sent or not, Ha Ha.

  14. I’ve been exactly where you are. We tried for a couple years, but it was just not meant to be. That was the HARDEST time of my life. And when people ask questions, it makes it even harder. I am on the other side of it now, I have accepted that I’ll never have a baby, and 99% of the time I’m ok with it. I do still have my moments though!
    My sister and her hubby also tried to get pregnant for 2 years, and she called me a week ago and said she finally was! So, hang in there. Keep having faith, God has it all in control!

  15. Love, that was sooooo brave of you to post that. I appreciate your honesty and although a lot of us aren’t trying to get pregnant right now, we can relate to those feelings of regret and blaming ourselves. I have thoughts of “Why did I do that to myself?” and honestly there is nothing we can change about our past, we have to just move forward and be better today. Which is exactly what you are doing. You will get there, I fully believe you will reach the place your body needs to be at and you will start a family. You are being proactive and doing everything you can, which will pay off. You are an amazing and sweet girl and you deserve it, so I know it will happen. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing because it will pay off. I am here if you need me, as we all are because we care about you so much. Xoxo ❤

  16. Hey girl I know you are dealing with a lot but keep trucking. You are working hard, it is tough to deal with what you are going through. I think the best thing I can tell you is to not look behind you, keep looking forward. Let your goals and wishes guide you. Living with regret is something we all deal with, why the hell did I let my disorder guide my life for six years? I have no idea. But all I know is I can’t live back there, I have to live in the moment. You got this, keep working hard. YOu will be able to give your husband a family if you continue the way you are going. I am telling you that.

  17. Awww hun. You deserve every single happiness that life has to offer, and it breaks my heart to see you hurting because of this. But do NOT beat yourself up over past mistakes, or berate yourself for letting it get this far. What’s done is done. You can’t go back and change it. The most important thing is that you’re making changes NOW that are putting you well on your way to getting the results that you want. Be patient, love… it takes time. I know it’s not easy to wait, especially if others are constantly bringing it to your attention, but this is between you and Joshua alone, and your husband adores and supports you so just keep being strong and treating your body well, and it will all come ❤ ❤

    • Amanda, have I ever told you how much I just love you???!! Seriously, you ALWAYS know the right words to say. Your comment opened my eyes, and just made me sit back and think for a second. Thank you for that. Thank you for being you & continuing to be an amazing support system to me.

  18. I admire your strength Jessie. Don’t beat yourself up over this; it’s not your fault. Keep your head up and try not to let others’ comments bring you down. I think the hardest thing in life is waiting (especially when it’s something that seems to come so easily for others.) I pray for your patience and peace in this valley. “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

  19. I’m sorry you’ve been going through a rough time lately, but you are so strong! I know it doesn’t help to have people pestering about children constantly but you and Joshua have the rest of your lives to have lots of happy, healthy babies! Just think about how much sweeter it will be when that day finally comes and you can appreciate it so much more because you know how hard you had to work to get there! But I know waiting is no fun either, but you’ve already made so many positive changes in your life and you’re so much stronger because of it!
    Don’t beat yourself up about, it’s easy to blame yourself, but it’s not your fault. It’s not like you expected these consequences, running brought you happiness and you were doing what made you happy. Hindsight is always 20/20 it’s easy now to say “I can’t believe I let it get this far” but how could you have known it would have had such a big impact? Not to mention you’ve been so dedicated to changing your habits to improve your health and that’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s too easy for us to blame ourselves, but don’t, you are amazing, strong and truly wonderful girl! Not to mention you have all of our support 🙂

  20. I wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now!! I know how hard you’ve been working to get better, so I can imagine your frustration about not being able to get pregnant yet. Have you visited your doctor recently to find out what else you may need to do to get pregnant?! I wish I could help you more!! Stay positive girl, and keep reminding yourself that it takes time to completely recover. You’ve already come so far, and I believe you’ll get pregnant when it’s meant to be!

  21. You are so so brave and beautiful and such an inspiration. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but when it’s meant to happen – it will. Have faith and know I’m thinking of you love! BIG HUGS from Boston ❤

  22. This was so brave sweet girl! You know you can email me anytime. I have dealt with this for years. You know that. I’m almost 30 years old… I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. God has a plan for you. You WILL be an amazing mother one day. Love you girl!

  23. Aww….honey! I am so sorry! I know this wasn’t easy for you but I think it’s great to get that out and I hope you feel better. You are an amazing person and I wish I could hop on a plane right now and fly to Kuwait and just give you a hug or sit with you and let you vent away! Love you!

  24. Hey lady….I’m about to respond to your email, but I just wanted to say that I’m so proud of you for posting this. I can’t even imagine how it feels to encounter that each day, as well meaning as the people who ask may seem, but I think it just shows your strength of character and awesomeness that you can and have handled it thus far. Be gentle with yourself, love. Sending lots of love and hugs to you and now an email!

  25. Hey sweet girl. SO proud of you for posting this video and totally admire your courage and strength to do so. You are doing EVERYTHING you need to do to get your family. It will happen; just may take some time. YOU can and will do this. Sending you lots and lots of love and support! and you’d be surprised, more people than you know go through this. HUGS!!!!

  26. Jessie you are so beautiful inside and out!

    My Mama went thru the same thing that you did. It took her 10 years to get pregnant. (She tried for 10 years until she had her first baby when she was 34 years old….She now has 6 kids. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN THE END.

    I love that you were so brave to post this, because this IS an issue that so many women struggle with everyday. XOXO

  27. Hey Jess…watched this video this morning 😦 I can’t imagine what you’re going through, it must be so incredibly hard. I know all you want is to give you and your husband a family, and there’s no way you could have predicted that it would be this challenging. Don’t blame yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself, just keep taking it day by day and you’ll get through it. You’re gonna have bad days, everyone does, and that’s totally fine! You know we’re all here rooting for you 🙂

  28. Sweetheart, not only do I admire you for posting this, but I admire how beautifully spoken you were throughout it. You have an amazing spirit and an amazing heart, and God does have a plan for you. When you do get pregnant, you will be an incredible mother, and that baby will be one of the most blessed and loved miracles.
    My sister struggled with having a child for three years. She went from doctor to doctor, and they could not tell give her any reason why it wasn’t happening. I remember her coming over quite often when someone else questioned why she did not have a baby yet, laying on my couch, and crying. I also remember every month when she got her period and found out she wasn’t pregnant, her breaking down. As happy as she was for others, it was difficult finding out another one of her friends was pregnant or going to Christenings, birthday parties, etc. Now she has Aiden, 🙂
    You are one of the most faithful women I have ever “met.” Stay focused and keep that positive spirit I know you have. The mind and body connection is HUGE. I am always always here to talk to if you need someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to try to lift your spirits back up. Love you girl xox

    • Just reading your sisters story has given me so much hope & really just opened my eyes. Thank you for that hunnie. I swear, you always know EXACTLY what to say. You have been such an amazing supporter & inspiration to me throughout these past couple months. I honestly could never thank you enough! Knowing that we get to meet in just a few months makes me so happy! xoxo

  29. Jessie!! You really are going through a lot, but I promise that it will get better 🙂 I can’t wait to send you my little holiday goody package. You need it!! Keep your thoughts positive, you have a great support system. Let me know if you need anything!!

  30. Awe sweetie! It’s really no one business but your husbands and yours. I honestly am shocked people would even ask you such personal questions. I’d never ask someone that, but I guess different strokes for different folks. Never feel guilty for the place you are in right now! You are beautiful and strong. Even though you are going through this rough patch, you will come out SO much stronger. This journey happened for a reason, and you are an amazing voice to others who are struggling with the same issues, if you ever need a friend to talk it out, I’m here for you! You can e-mail me whenever. I have been in your situation. Well, not the wanting kids. But, the menstruation issues, being underweight, struggling with food/exercise. Keep up the hard work! Yes, it’s hard work but I know you will look back on this one day and be a positive role model to others. You can do this, you have great support and YOU are amazing! Sending all the love to you right now! xox

    • “Different strokes for different folks” Yup, unfortunately that’s how it is over here. Over here, people feel as if once your married (which were going on 4 years in a couple days), you should have children right that second. I’m sorry, that’s just not how it works over in the states for the most part. Ha Ha.

      && thank you so much for your encouragement, and just reassuring me that things will in fact be OKAY & that I have you & every one else for support for the days that I need it ❤ You are so amazing, Lisa! Please don't EVER hesitate to e-mail me about ANYTHING as well. I'm always here for you ❤

  31. Ah sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear you are down. I’m sending you a big cyber hug right now. It’s great to be positive all the time, but it’s ok to let out your sadness, anger and frustration. You are very kind and brave and honest and sweet. You will have a baby once you’re body is ready for it. You may not see it, but you have made tons of progress, huge steps over the past couple months so hang in there and know you have tons of support in Cleveland.

  32. I hate hate hate not wanting to explain things to people, but feeling like you have to!! I think it’s GREAT you aren’t having children..I think too many people have kids WAYY too soon. Enjoy your youth with your husband! That’s what matters, you need to be happy and fulfilled because being a mama is HARD work!!

    • Thank you for this comment Brittany. However, were both ready for a child. We’ve been together for many years, and were just at that point in our life where we would love to start a family. I know being a mama is HARD work.. but were both ready for the challenge & the joys that come with it ❤

  33. You are too stinking adorable. Please do not feel guilty for this! It is YOUR life to enjoy how you want to! The people around you obviously don’t realize how their questioning affects you, but focusing on the positives will definitely help! You know we are all here for love and support!

  34. Oh honey! Your honesty is so moving. I know how hard it must have been to post this. Its HARD when you get frustrated and broken down, but you are completely valid in feeling that. No guilt, no shame, its okay. I have no doubt that you will make it through this really difficult time in your life. You are so strong and beyond sweet. I know you’re sick of hearing “it will happen in time” (even though I do believe that!) so I’ll just leave it at this: get mad, get angry, get frustrated, cry. Allow it all to come, and allow it all to go. Know that I love you and am always praying for you and Joshua.
    Love you!!
    xoxo

  35. Hi girl! I am so sorry that it has been so hard on you. Keep your head up and keep eating lots and soon your body will be recovered enough to have a beautiful little baby! I am sending positive thoughts your way girl! And you are so incredibly strong for posting this! You go girl! Hope you had a great weekend with Joshua!
    Keep your head up!!!

    • Thank you, Chelsa!! I found that after posting the vlog, my attitude completely changed & I was back in a “happy place”, and feeling so much better. I guess receiving support from all of you & getting it off my chest was exactly what I needed.

  36. Jessie you are AMAZING!!!! And you’re such an inspiration to so many people. I know it took a lot of courage to do that video, but you are such a source of strength to those around you. Hang in there. You’re wonderful and we’re all here for you!

  37. I don’t think there are any words that can articulate my frustration and sadness on your behalf. I just want to thank you for your honesty! You’re so strong and brave. Keep looking forward, girl, and things will fall into place. Whatever time it happens will be the perfect time. Your baby is coming :).

  38. I’m sure everyone has said this already but you are amazing to share all this! It must be so tough, I can’t even imagine. I guess it just takes time, and I know this is no consolation at all to you right now, especially with so many people asking you all the time, but just keep going with what you’re doing. You may not feel strong, but hoenstly I think you’re doing amazingly. I wish you all the happiness in the world as you definitely deserve it as you’re the sweetest and most lovely girl! Sending big hugs.

  39. It takes courage to put your feelings and “real life” problems out there for everyone to know about. While you are going through some struggles right now, please know that you have many here to help you through it. I will most definitely say a prayer for you…for the family that you long for and the strength to get through this trying time. I know there is nothing I can say to make your situation any better but I have great faith that someday, somehow you WILL get that baby you so desperately desire. HUGS!!

  40. Jessie, first off, I’m sending you a HUGE, warm embrace. I can’t tell you how much I adore and appreciate your authenticity. I have a lot of things running through my mind right now, so I might take some of my thoughts offline and shoot you an email as well… One thing that stands out to me is the question of, “why?”, that you keep asking yourself. Why you let it get so far etc. The thing with the question “why?” is that it’s inherently judgmental. The last thing our hearts, bodies, and souls need when going through difficult times like this is self-judgement and criticism. There are tremendous healing powers in self-compassion and self-love. Something I’ve found helpful in times of regret and self-judgement is to treat myself and talk to myself like I would a dear friend going through my situation. It’s easier said than done and it takes conscious effort and practice, but it’s really powerful. Just a thought/suggestion ;). Email me any time! XOXO

    • THANK YOU for not only this amazing comment, but the e-mail. I promise to write you back today. Things have just been a bit crazy over here & I’ve been slow with responses. I’m so sorry!! But please just know that EVERY word you wrote has touched me in so many ways, and I am beyond grateful to have your support ❤

  41. *Big hug* It takes a long time for your body to repair itself…the damage didn’t happen over a few weeks and it will take time to get everything moving again. You are doing so well eating more and exercising less. We can’t go backwards, only forwards. This is all part of the plan here for you on Earth. I believe God gives us challenges/struggles to help us learn some bigger lesson(s). Stay strong and always reach out when you’re feeling down ❤

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, Lauren! You are exactly right that I can only go forward from here on out. Such a great reminder ❤ Also, I appreciate you reaching out & letting me know you'll be here if I need to talk!

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