Freedom From Perfection #1

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Today’s the day. A day that many people should be involved in. What is it you ask? It’s the official start day of Freedom From Perfection hosted by the beautiful Sloane over at Strength In Freedom.

If you aren’t familiar with this campaign, please head over to Sloane’s page & take a look at what it’s about. I can tell you that it’s a day where you can reveal any flaws you may be carrying about yourself or life in general. It’s a day where you don’t have to worry about being judged.

I didn’t have to think too hard on what exactly to write for today’s post. However, I did have to ask myself “Is this something I want to share with everyone? What will people think of me?”.

As many of you know I was diagnosed with Hypothhalamic Amenorrhoea about 3 1/2 weeks ago. It wasn’t easy to hear, especially the part that I’d have to cut my running mileage from 50+ a week to a whopping zero AND increase my calorie intake all at the same time.

Was it easy at first? Honestly, the running part was. I’ve adapted to my daily 20 minute walks and I’m absolutely loving them. I’m still able to get my “me” time throughout the day. Do I work a sweat? Most of the time no, but you know what… that’s perfectly okay with me. I’m giving my body a break, a much-needed break.

Then we have the calorie intake part. Let’s just say, I’m trying. But by no means is it easy. I haven’t put on weight since my first initial weigh in the week following my diagnosis. Because of this I feel hopeless. I feel like I should be seeing changes and the fact that I haven’t.. it crushes me. I want so badly to be at a healthy weight where I can indeed start producing. Where I can give not only myself but my husband our dream of a family. Yes he may tell me that “When it happens it happens babe. It’s in God’s hands” but that’s not good enough for me.

I want it to happen now. These are the moments in life where I wish I could simply ask my body what it needs, or what it wants. Unfortunately though I’m left wondering day after day with no answers.

A wonderful person I’ve met on here has offered me her meal plan that she has just been put on in order to gain weight. To have such a wonderful support system, has truly been such a blessing to my life.

With all that being said I’ve made a November goal for myself. I need to continue to break through any fear I may have of overeating too many carbohydrates and just let it happen. Let my body intake what it wants, and what it needs. I’m completely aware this journey will continue to be hard at times, but you know what… I’ve overcome so much already, there’s no reason why this road block can’t be achieved as well? :)

So if you are still with me, I want to say Thank You! Thank you for believing me, and giving me such confidence and inspiration. xoxo

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120 thoughts on “Freedom From Perfection #1”

  1. You are amazing, love. No other way to say it. You’re doing what your body needs, and the fact that you’re willing to do it, let alone actually following through shows just how strong, beautiful, and free you truly are :) I hope you have a wonderful day!

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  2. jessie, i just want to say that i’m really impressed by your honesty. i’m really liking this campaign for a lot of reasons but what i think i like the best is the bravery i see amongst some of the women who i have come to feel like are my friends even if i don’t really know you. i can only imagine what you are going through but i am so proud of you for giving your body what it needs and at the end of the day it will all be worth it because the end of this road leads to the beginning of a crazy path – a family!! keep up your awesome work and if you ever need to vent or chat (even though i know there are billions of other people more experienced to talk to) you can email me or text me anytime! way to go girl!!!

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  3. oh sweet friend, i feel like a lot of us are in that same boat. I had to cut out running and lifting for 7 months. I just did yoga. But it was for other reasons. You feel odd, but then you learn to appreciate what you can do, like those walks. You are truly beautiful and i am praying for comfort and peace during this time.

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  6. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be so open and honest, especially to people you have never met and don’t know how they’ll react, I commend you for your courage and strength, it’s beautifully encouraging <3 Over the past few years I've had to learn to truly listen to my body and provide it what it wants and needs and it was no easy task but it has been so rewarding, you WILL be able to do it too… Now, if only I could figure out why my digestive system has been giving me so many problems lately :S

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    • I wish I had answers to give you girl. I know how stressful it can be dealing with stomach issues. I too had to adjust my eating habits when I was first diagnosed with IBS. It’s not easy, but just continue staying positive. I learned it’s just about testing out certain foods, and seeing what works & what doesn’t. If you need anything e-mail me girl :)

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  7. It’s great that you’re able to open up, I’ve found that when I do the same on my blog it’s scary to push the publish button but the reaction from my readers is always overwhelmingly positive!

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  8. This is such a great job! It’s awesome that you are going to do want your body needs and I wish you all the best! You are amazing and it will work out!!

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  10. You will get there Jessie! It takes time. I have stalled in my weight gain (up about 6lbs) and am kinda discouraged but know to just be patient. Keep eating those healthy fats and full fat dairy too!

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  11. Hunnie, you are amazing! I can only guess how it feels to cut out your loved runs and I am so proud of you and you can be too! It is easy for me to tell you to be patient because I am not in that situation, but all these troubles need time and patience! You are aware of your body and what it needs, this is great, girl! I know you will get there and will have a wonderful family and will be a great runner again! I am not THAT far away, so if you need to talk ANYTIME – nudge me on skype, email, phone, facebook, twitter….whatever. You are beautiful, inside and out!

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    • Girl, THANK YOU!! Thank you for offering the support. I truly do feel blessed to of “met” you through this wonderful blogging community. Your blog has become a regular of mine. I’m so amazed by your positiveness as well, and how far you’ve come with your own problems. You are just as beautiful, if not more <3

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  13. Great post Jessie! Hang in there! I know this is not easy for you and I commend you so much for cutting back on the running and increasing your calories! I know how difficult that can be and all I can do is say how truly strong you are! If you ever need anything I am here! Hugs!

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  15. Still with you, love…. always, always. I know it’s not easy, but you’ve honestly been handling it so well, and I’m absolutely sure that you’ll get through this. I remember wishing so badly that I could go from where I was to where I needed to be instantly, without having to go through the entire process of working and waiting, but you know what? Even that is meant to teach us something, so be strong and don’t give up. You have an amazing husband that loves you so much, and things will fall into place when the time is right <3

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  16. I’m so sorry sweetie you’re feeling frustrated. It will happen and we are all here for you. You are a fabulous person and I can’t imagine what this adjustment is like. I know it’s tough but you will get there. And just think, Thanksgiving is in a few short weeks and there will be plenty to munch on then ;) Love ya girl!

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  17. You’ve got this! It will happen in time. Just relax (stress is never good on the body), enjoy life, and try to eat very nutrient dense foods like nuts, hearty breads, and oils. These foods contain more calories, but it won’t feel like you’re eating a huge amount.

    You’re amazing and strong, and you WILL get through this!

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  18. Hi sweet girl. I am so proud of you. I loved reading giving up the running wasn’t that hard. that’s huge. you are listening to yourself. In terms of weight gain.. thats probably the harder part.. but one day at a time. I am glad you have a meal plan someone shared with you. your body will ONLY thank you for this..promise. and more of us can relate to this than you think. its not easy to post about. sending you love!

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    • Thank you so much Eva. I was just telling Joshua last night how wonderful it is to have so much support from all of you. He also couldn’t believe that there are many of whom are going through the same situation. It’s such a great support system <3

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  19. you will get there, it is not easy putting weight on, it is almost as if you have trained yourself to eat a certain way and now you have to re train yourself and let your body know you are doing what is best for it! You can do it girl, you have tons of support!

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  20. I am so incredibly proud of you! This post is so brave and so honest. I’m truly touched. Don’t let this week get you down–you’ll get there! Thank you so much for linking up!
    xoxo

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  23. Keep on keepin on! This must be really difficult for you to start, but eventually you’ll learn to trust your body and listen to what it needs. It’s so much smarter than we give it credit for! Try not to overthink it, let go, and eat what you’re craving when you’re craving it. Hopefully that meal plan a friend was kind enough to share with you will help! We’re all rooting for you and a family in your future :)

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  24. wonderful post!!
    I can’t believe how many women suffer from HA, when I was diagnosed with it last year I thought I was the only one who couldn’t maintain a healthy period with running high-mileage weeks, I was devastated. You are not alone! your period will return, and maybe HA was actually a blessing/wakeup call that things aren’t right. My doctor told me the severity of HA is far worse than just not being able to get pregnant, if things kept going the way they were I would have developed stress-fractures/osteoporosis…
    I had to add in more carbs (and total kcal’s too) so I started baking, and encouraging my patients to bake for me. Adding in a delicious muffin with nut butter felt great! (there was guilt in the beginning, but once you realize that you’re giving your body life it goes away!) It took me a while, 12-months to gain 5-ish lbs (I kept my running miles high), but it wasn’t really the weight that “healed” me, it was the lack of stress, inner-peace, and total calmness I felt. I’m never hungry anymore and I feel great.
    You can do this, it’s so worth it! just take it one day at a time!
    xoxo!

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    • Liz, thank you so much for opening up to me and telling me about your journey on regaining your period. It means more to me than you’ll ever truly know. I’m so glad that you were able to find peace & calmness through it all. You give me such hope <3

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  25. Jessie, you are amazing! Things will happen for you. Just remember that everything happens for a reason. You are and have already grown so much from this experience and your body will thank you! Good things are coming your way :)

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  26. This is so wonderful. I know how hard it is to gain weight. A few years back, I was in a similar situation and my mom and doctor didn’t believe I was trying, until they realized that my metabolism was going to speed up initially with the added calories. It is so incredibly difficult, probably one of the harder things I’ve ever faced. And you’re listening to your body, which is the first step. I know you can do it, though. It takes time but you will get through it. We’re all here for you, girl <3

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  27. You are doing so well with this Jessie and everyone is so beyond proud of you. You are a huge inspiration – thank you for being so honest and real about your situation. I hope you get the family of your dreams super soon.

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  28. awww I love you Jessie.. don’t stress your body will catch up in time and it hasn’t been that long. This is only a minor bump in your life and it WILL get better. You’re doing the right thing and that’s what the important thing is :)

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  29. I must say going from 50+ miles to zero has to be hard!! You are taking is so well!! Your body is a wonderful thing and it will start doing what is needed! That is so awesome you will get to have that meal plan, I hope it helps! If not, just live off of peanut butter and avocados!! I kid I kid.

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  30. You most certainly can get past this block! You have such a clear goal in mind, and you are so open and willing to making the changes needed to reach that goal! Wishing you the best with all your changes and progress. And mmm, carbs. Hopefully a Thanksgiving full of stuffing and other good things will help ;D

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  31. I am thinking of you and wishing you luck! I am going to IIN now to train to be a Health Counsellor specifically because I want to help people get through tough situations like yours. I know you have the strength in you and I know you will get to where you want to go. I’m the same way, whenever I decide to make a change I want to see results NOW and I am very impatient but usually I find that everything happens just when it’s supposed to. I sincerely pray that the same is true for you, and honestly believe that it is!

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  34. Hang in there girl. I know things can be frustrating, but just remember that when this is all over, you are going to be able to look back and be so PROUD of all that you overcame. God gives us these mini bumps for a reason :)

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  36. I think you’re doing brilliantly so far! Honestly, I’d find it so difficult so I only have admiration for you. Don’t beat yourself up about the weight thing, you’ve just come to terms with not running, which in itself I think is so tough! It just takes time and focus and from the sounds of it you’re pushing through. X

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  38. It’s really inspiring that you can open up and admit everything, and I’d say that you are doing everything right. Adjusting takes time, you’ll get to where you need to be soon enough! If you ever feel like talking about it or need to vent feel free to shoot me an e-mail :)

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  40. I’d love to talk to you a little bit about your diagnosis at some point…I actually think that I may have a similar problem, but haven’t had any official confirmation yet because I am not trying to start a family. But the signs are there if you know what I mean. I have gained about 10-15 pounds in the past year because I was underweight, which made me not have my monthly visitor (haha), but it still hasn’t returned. I think it may be time for me to see a doctor and consider other options…You are handling it so well though and truly are inspirational. I know at some point I will probably have similar struggles when it is time for me to really need to fix the problem.

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  43. Ahhh thank you so much for sharing! You are so strong to put yourself out there, and I’m so impressed that you are willing to help others through your words. We’re all pulling for you–and like your husband said, it’s in God’s hands, so trust Him!

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  45. Hi Jessie, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You are in my prayers – I’m amazed by your positive attitude and perspective despite what you’re going through. Thanks for the honest post…you are amazing and will get through this!

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  47. Jessie, it is so awesome that you are taking the steps you need to take in order to get your body ready to house a sweet little baby – to create a warm and healthy home for it to be nourished and grow for 9 months. That’s no small task. It’s okay and normal to feel discouraged and impatient. It takes time for our bodies to heal and the waiting can be difficult, especially when you see no results. But, hang in there because the end reward will be so worth it. I find that treating myself & my body with loving-kindness, respect, and compassion, is typically the best way to help along the healing process. I’m sending you a big hug! XOXO

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  48. My dearest — you already know how I feel about this post, so I’ll be brief.
    Do what you can, in every moment, of every day. Nothing more and nothing less.
    Your words helped me through a difficult dinner tonight. Yet another reason to thank you!! <3

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  49. Wow Jessie, thanks for being so honest with us. I’m sorry that things aren’t happening as fast as you want. It sounds like you know what you need to do though. I think more food is the key. I had to gain 25 pounds before I got my period back and was able to conceive so I know it is hard. It feels uncomfortable and it’s a sudden change. Your body needs that weight though, so gaining it is healthy even if you have to eat foods that aren’t normally considered healthy. When I was gaining weight I ate a lot of bread, cheese and meat. I also ate out at restaurants and ate the whole plate! I even ate fast food. I’m praying for you. Don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you want to talk or need advice. {hugs}

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    • Austin, thank you! thank you for sharing not only your journey, but what you ate as well. this comment really has opened my eyes & gave me an even better outlook on this situation. It’s made me realize that it does take time, sadly, but it’ll happen :)

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  50. Jessie, this was such a beautiful post. I admire your honesty – not a lot of people have the courage to do what you just did. I hope you do manage to put on weight and get your period back – your body is the most important thing and I’m sure you and your husband will have no troubles starting a family once everything returns as normal. You are so beautiful and lovely and I sincerely hope everything works out ok! :) I’m here if you ever need to talk! x (and I definitely get the fear of carbs, I’ve had to work very hard at recognising they are ok)

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    • Bec, you continuously leave the sweetest comments, and for that.. THANK YOU! You always know just what to say to put the biggest smile on my face. The same goes to you.. if you ever need anything I’m here xo

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